It's Tuesday at 2:00pm! (PST Time: I live and work from Southern California)
People usually are placed in 2 categories:
Those who HATE and AVOID CONFLICT at all costs
Those who EMBRACE and MANAGE CONFLICT in a healthy way
Which one are you?
I was one who didn't run from conflict, but I didn't manage it in a healthy way. I was reminded this weekend when our friends Phil & Elizabeth visited us, about a major conflict Phil and I had early in our work and ministry together.
I was out of the country (we were living in Ecuador at the time), and Phil was left to run one of our summer programs. We had communicated and planned for this time, but we had some mis-communication along the way that resulted in a moment of major conflict on a phone call. Our voices were raised, we were disagreeing and arguing, and it wasn't healthy. We were in a crisis situation and each of us had a unique perspective on how we ended up there, but it was bad. Even just thinking about that time this weekend brings up some emotion, and this event happened almost 20 years ago.
We got through the conflict, and each of us made some concessions, and when we came back together we talked about it, we worked through it, and learned from it. I remember asking for forgiveness for my behavior and Phil also asked for forgiveness.
From an incredible moment of conflict, tension, anger and frustration began to grow a working relationship and friendship that continues to this day. I wish I could say that we never had conflict again, but the truth is we had lots of conflict, but it became healthy conflict, in that it made us both better and it helped to position our organization for greater growth and impact.
But here's the true value that came from this conflict: WE LEARNED TO TRUST EACH OTHER.
When you really trust someone, you engage in conflict that is healthy because you are really looking out for the best interest of the other person and of the work you're doing. Phil and I have built a great working relationship that is grounded in trust, and as we talked this weekend, we look back at those years with great pride and satisfaction because it was during that season of life that we experienced incredible growth, we learned about ourselves as leaders, and we modeled for many people what healthy conflict looks like.
Phil taught me that you can disagree, yet still trust and honor someone.
This has been a powerful lesson in my life that I still cling to and work on every day.
One of my ALL TIME favorite business books is The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni. If you know me, you know that I often reference this work and his model, because this is what Phil and I worked through, long before we knew about the model.
In his book, Lencioni identifies 5 dysfunctions that all teams experience in one way or another, and he connects them together as a pyramid and uses a simple story to illustrate how each of the 5 dysfunctions play out in our teams and organizations.
The 5 Dysfunctions are:
Absence of TRUST
Fear of CONFLICT
Lack of COMMITMENT
Avoidance of ACCOUNTABILITY
Inattention to RESULTS
You can CLICK HERE to see the complete model.
If you work with a team or a small organization, read this book.
I have used this book with my own team, the organizations I work with, and I've used it as a tool in coaching and consulting with companies, teams, executive leaders and organizations of any size. There is so much practical truth here, I can honestly say that it will transform the way you lead as well as the people around you.
Don't be afraid of any of these things, especially conflict. It's not a question of "if conflict will come", but it's a question of "when conflict comes, how will I handle it?"
Phil, thanks for being on my leadership journey and helping me learn the value of each of these things in order to create highly functional teams and organizations! I continue to learn as I lead.
Thoughts? Comment by clicking HERE on the blog page, or send me a note with your One Thing.
I'd like to ask you to share some of yours. Do it simply:
What's the book?
What's The One Thing that stands out to you (we all see different things)?
How has it made a difference?
Send it to me HERE and I'll share it with others reading this weekly post.
I'll share one more post from these One Thing Series next week...
"I don't think anyone ever gets completely used to conflict. If it's not a little uncomfortable, then it's not real. The key is to keep doing it anyway." Patrick Lencioni
"Trust is knowing that when a team member does push you, they're doing it because they care about the team." Patrick Lencioni
"If you could get all the people in an organization rowing in the same direction, you could dominate any industry, in any market, against any competition, at any time." Patrick Lencioni
Things I'm Reading and Listening To This Week:
Here's a flashback in music. Phil Keaggy has been called one of the greatest guitar players of all time. Freehand is accoustic guitar album. If you want to enjoy his classic tunes from the 70's and 80's, check out the Essentials Playlist on Apple Music.
Lencioni's book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
I enjoyed listening to this repost on The Tim Ferriss Show of a conversation with Mr. Money Mustache on the topic of minimalism. I think you'll enjoy it, as it causes you to think about consumerism.
I mentioned Phil & Elizabeth in my post above. They run an organization called Living and Learning International. Check out their website for some great and creative global education experiences.
OK, just sharing something I use daily. This is my Sharpie Ultra Fine Retractable Pen. I've been using these for a while and really enjoy the point, the permanent ink and they last a long time. Just a simple tip...